i wanted to go back to sleep after dropping rob off at work this morning, but i couldn't. a little of that had to do with the dogs needing to go out, and it being really sunny already anyway. but a lot more of that had to do with my extensive ``to do list`` and the thoughts crashing about in my head.

my to do list consists of calling to see if my new sunglasses are in yet (if not today, then tomorrow for sure), calling former roomie jacob about his tax info, calling up to pay two bills, throwing in a load of laundry, and completing part three of traffic school online.

oh, and i work from 12 to 4. that's pretty high up on the list today. *g*

aaaaanywho. i always have trouble sleeping when i know i need to do other things, even if the place where i got my glasses isn't open yet, and jacob isn't up yet, and my brain isn't functioning at a level that can handle traffic school yet. but, whatever.

like i said, i'm also being kept up by thoughts. thoughts that confuse me and don't appear to be going away anytime soon.

the main idea behind what i've been thinking is: why can't i stick to a workout routine? i'm kind of pissed off at myself at the moment, because i have a gym membership that i don't use enough, and a lovely place to walk that sees little mileage from me. what's my problem?

i see the results! from eating healthy and the little amount of working out i have done, i can see a positive change here and there. i can fit in to a few items of clothing that i previously couldn't, i carry myself taller, my skin is rosesy, i feel better. yet, all this, and i still end up losing my motivation.

i don't get it. do i need overnight success to convince me that this is good for me? what the hell. why can't the various chambers of my mind all get together and agree on this? eat right + work out = feel good.

i think i may be sabotaging myself, but for the life of me i don't know why.

okay, maybe i do. i'm not sure. i think a part of me is, as ridiculous as this sounds, afraid of becoming addicted to working out. or, more accurately, obsessed with how i look. i'm terrified, actually, of falling into that trap that i've seen so many others get swept away in - just five more pounds and i'll look/feel better. just another inch. if i add one more hour a day to my workout. etc. i don't want to spend every moment of my life in a gym, and i don't want to limit my menu to exclude yummy less-than-ideally-healthy foods, either.

... but i fear that it's either this half-assed stuff i'm doing now, or my own self-made boot camp. because i've always been an extremist of sorts. i wish i could say otherwise, but it wouldn't be true. i'm either really happy, or really sad. i'm more than a little opinionated about hundreds of issues, and it's a rare instance if you ask me my views on something for me to respond with, ``i'm not sure.`` and juding by my past actions (i'm either reading three books at once, or none - completely loving school, or completely hating it) i think i have to choose in this case too.

and i'm feeling like i should choose to be a fitness queen. it'd be the healthiest choice by far, and i'm fairly positive i'd be pleased with the results.

... i think what's holding me back is just that, though. i live in a land overrun by barbies and kens. tanned, toned, boys and girls in halter tops and muscle shirts. and it's f-n intimidating. i hate to admit this, but i look at myself, and then them, and think, ``there's no way in hell i'm going to come close to looking like that.``

and the thing is, when i'm not in workout mode, i could care less. when i'm not hitting the gym and putting in laps, i'm perfectly happy and content with how i look. i'm not hideous, i don't scare of little children, and i'm happy with my appearance. i feel comfortable with my curves.

but then... then i go to the gym. or i walk about the neighborhood. living here is like surrounding yourself with thousands of baywatch extras. oy. and i start being stupid - i lose sight of what should motivate me, i lose sight of the fact that i should be working out for me, for my health - and instead i look around and start to compare. biiiiig mistake. it's not characteristic of me to fall in to that line of thinking, either - after all, i'm the chick that doesn't even own a scale because i think weight is superficial, and i've never wanted to get into the ``oh my gawd, i put on three pounds yesterday!`` pattern. and yet, like i said, when i increase my physical activity, i become unsatisfied with my level of progress. with how i look. with how i eat. everything. i eat a cupcake and then feel guilty. and then in defiance (my mind says, ``fuck it, don't feel guilty, you're not fat, you can afford to eat a damn cupcake!``) i proceed to eat another as my big ``fuck you!`` to the pretty people... and yet the only one i'm hurting is me.

and i see all these girls at school with their tiny waists and stick legs... and they starve themselves and throw-up. and then others, who work out upwards of five hours a day.

i don't want to become either of those girls. and i guess it all comes down to not having enough confidence or faith in myself to think i'll be able to rise above that. i fear that once i start making working out a habit, i won't ever be happy with the level i'm at and i'll want to keep pushing the bar until i've pushed myself too far.

fuuuuuck. so, i've answered my own questions. i know why i'm unable to stick to a work out routine. i know why i'm constantly disappointing myself by indulging all too often in sweets and unhealthy foods.

but i don't know how to put an end to this vicious cycle. and it's all my fault too, which is hard to admit, because man it'd be so much easier to blame it on someone else. but i can't. i've got a boyfriend who thinks i'm beautiful and could care less how much i weigh as long as i'm happy with myself, and a mom who has never made me feel inadequate. i've got friends who think i look great, and who never pressure me to be anything other than what i am.

i wish i could blame society for doing its best to shove fashion magazines down my throat. but that'd be cheating because ultimately, i'm the one who decides how i feel about something. i'm in charge of making my own decisions. and i really need to get my shit together and figure out how i'm going to fight this battle.

i can't continue to sit here, eating cupcakes and working out `when i feel like it` or after i see a tv special on the health problems of obese people.

i need to make eating right and working out part of my routine, part of my lifestyle. i need to focus on myself, and not others. be happy with my own success. come to terms with the fact that i'll never look like a life-sized barbie doll... but also the truth that i don't want to. i need to prepare myself for the pressures of looking better... and by that i mean, learn how to accept compliments without adding to them my own criticism.

and i think i'm not making much sense at this point, but i feel better getting this all out, and finding the answers to my question.

i guess now all that's left to do is find a solution...

any thoughts? (2)����������������