in an hour, i have to leave my house. i don't have to be to work until six, and i live a mere ten minutes from my place of employment. but yet, i must leave in an hour. people need me to do things for them. and being the nice, lovely gal that i am, i oblige.

i feel really weird because only two days after christmas, i feel like stripping the house of all decorations, save the tree. this happens every year, but usually not until mid january. it's just a feeling i get when i look around and everything seems so cluttered. the shelves are too bright. i think of winter as more subdued, and the glittery snowmen and electric tinsel do little to help with that image.

i want to keep the tree up though. the tree is really pretty and it makes me smile. refelcted in all of the ornaments and lights are snapshots of the holiday. such happiness. i'm a little reluctant to tuck that away. not just yet.

... i had two chihuahuas in my lap, now i have just one. and there's a great dane licking my ear. maddie has developed a thing for ears as of late.

my thoughts are all over the place today. not in a confused, jumbled way. but in more of a `i still can't believe i don't have anything pressing to do` way. usually, on a friday night, i not only have a few hours of work, but a long list of homework and chores that need to be done. with no long list, i'm kinda left with a feeling of restlessness. i guess i'm not that accustomed to relaxing.

within the last week, both rob and my mom have commented to me about that. about my relaxing capabilities. it seems that what i deem relaxing, they consider more of a brief time out, and not truly allowing myself to enjoy a break from all that is hectic. my mom said to me, ``jen, when you `relax` you've still got about fifty things on your mind. you still have what you're going to do next lined up.`` and rob told me that relaxing seems like it's just another thing on my to do list. like i do it because i think it's necessary, but i don't give myself the chance to actually, yunno, relax. instead of stopping and kicking back, i just pause. ... yunno, i think they may be on to something. here all this time i thought i was relaxing, and never could figure out why my little r&r sessions never achieved their goal. whadoyaknow. i guess now i need to work on the actual principles of putting my mind at ease and free of worry. completely free of all stress and every source of angst or apprehension.

i wonder if winning the lottery would make things better, or worse...?

any thoughts? (0)����������������