my third dog, a lil bichon frise named barney, had to be put to sleep at the age of eight when he became ill with cancer.

i found barney on my ninth birthday. he was barely alive, and so dirty i thought he was black when i first picked him up (he was actually snow white).

barney will always have a huge place in my heart. partly because he was and will forever be the greatest birthday `present` ever. partly because he was my first ``rescue``... but also because he was my best friend when i needed a best friend the most. through my parents divorce, and my grammas death as well. barney was the best.

when i learned that he needed to be put to sleep, i cried for what must have been a week straight. and while i wanted him to know i cared, i didn't want his final days to be full of tears. so we did spent every last minute together, eating way too many hot dogs and one too many cheeseburgers.

i miss barney SO MUCH. but i comfort myself knowing that his pain was brief, and that he's looking over me now.

... i hope i'll be able to find that same comfort with pepper.

my silly, lovable, goofball pepper... is being put to sleep this thursday.

it's breaking my heart.

i have no other option, but it hurts me so much that it's come to this.

pepper has a condition where his brain tissue is swelling, which in turn causes aggression. it's common for this condition to strike before a dog reaches two years of age, which is the case with pepper. it's also common in dogs that are mixed with wolf... and we've never known pepper's mixes... but he's tall, 90 pounds, and we've been asked if he's part wolf before. so, i guess it makes sense.

the condition is genetic, which means pepper was born with it. but again, not having his background, we had no way of knowing until now.

and man, this sucks. he's started to attack our other dogs. he's literally tried to kill madison on more than one occasion. and he hurt twinkie so bad the other day that she required stitches.

the progression seems to be people next. and it's not fair to innocent folks or to pepper to wait for that to happen.

and... this is just so hard. it's so hard seeing him look so healthy. and so young. and yet, he's so very sick.

i know i'm doing the right thing. those that i trust... behaviorists, my vet, my boss... they all tell me i'm doing the right thing. and deep down i know i am.

but that doesn't make it any easier.

.........

so today i went to the vet and picked up the doggie equivalent of morphine. basically it's going to happen like this - thursday afternoon pepper will get a huge steak, hot dogs galore, a long car ride, and a park visit. we'll give him a billion hugs, and then he'll get the medicine and go sleepie time. then we'll drive him to the vets, and while he's still sleeping they'll administer the lethal dose with us holding him... and........ that's all.

somehow i thought writing it all out would help. it didn't. *sigh*

but, i think doing it this way will help. the last thing i want is for him to freak out when we arrive at the vets (he doesn't really dig the vets)... and i just think that would be shitty to put him thought, yunno?

soooooooooooooooooooooooo. i dunno what my mindset will be like for the rest of the week...? maybe i'll convince myself to be happy. or maybe i'll cry, and then cry some more.

the only thing i know for certain is that i'll be taking a billion pictures to preserve these final days the best i can.

any thoughts? (7)����������������