so i think it's been decided that writing in here will not only be good for me, but also aide me on my jounrey.

i've had to do a lot of evaulating lately.

i used to always `judge` myself. and then people told me to stop because they thought i was being too hard on myself, or it wasn't good for me.

so, i stopped. i thought maybe they knew something i didn't.

i should have known better...

the moment i stopped holding myself accountable for every little thing i said or did, was the moment i let my true self slip off into oblivion. only to be replaced by a bitchier, more cynical version of what i decided to portray to the world as me.

hum. i doubt that makes much sense to anybody but me.

eh.

so it's like this.

i want to reconnect with myself. not in the whole commercial way of buying self-help books and going to seminars and being brainwashed into joining some cult just because they encourge me to feel good about myself. no no no.

by reconnect with myself i mean that i'm begining to once more pay attention to what makes me smile. or more importantly, what makes my soul smile.

i think the last time i truly listend to myself was when i was ten.

isn't that horrible? where the hell have i been the last 12 years?

when i was ten my favorite person in the world died. died a horrible miserable death.

when i was ten my parents split. my ``dad`` decided that that would be a good time to stop being in my life.

when i was ten i was moved across the country, away from my first set of true best friends. when i was ten i learned that having a southern accent in california meant you got made fun of.

when i was ten i found out that my aunt hated me for no reason other than i wasn't seven anymore.

when i was ten i had to see my family cry.

when i was ten a lot of things changed around me.

we all have hard luck stories, and i'm not one to bitch and whine.

but when i was ten i had to grow up fast, and i don't think i ever truly admitted that to myself until just recently.

i'd always gloss over my rushed childhood, telling myself ``we all have to grow up sooner or later`` and ``it made me a more mature person.``

damned straight it did. and let it be known that i don't regret it. for those events and experiences made me who i am today. and while it's true that i'm making some adjusts and repairs to who i am, the core of me will remain unchanged and that's what matters most.

the whole point is, i'm not ten anymore. i need to retain my responsible traits, while remembering how great it feels to cut lose and be a kid. i need to relax. mellow out. act like i'm high, without the stupidity and staggered speech.

this'll be fun. *g*

any thoughts? (1)����������������