okay, so i can think of better ways to spend my wednesday nights. other than on my hand and knees with unattractive aqua colored chemical resistant rubber gloves on, dousing bleach over every single thing in my entire house.

you see, parvo is a very very very bad thing. and it's even more scary than it is bad. let me just put it this way - if another puppy that was unvaccinated came into our house in the next THREE FRIGGIN' YEARS, there'd be a good chance they could contract parvo. now granted, after six months, the chances start to dwindle, but they still exist. after a year, well, you could risk it if you were feeling lucky. however, if the puppy in question happens to have a weak immune, you're screwed unless you wait out the entire f'n three years. lord.

oh, but it gets better. say you come to my house. and sit on my couch which we were unable to bleach (and altho it got a thorough cleaning, bleach is the only thing that has been proven effective at killing the virus)... and then, after sitting on my possible parvo-ridden couch, you go to your other friends' house to play with their new puppy. and said new puppy, who happens to be an unvaccinated new puppy, licks your jeans. new puppy could contract parvo.

and pardon my language, but how fucked up is that?!! i take it the chances of that occurring aren't staggering... but good god, is that some scary shit, or what?! soooooooo... to hopefully prevent that from ever happening, we bleached everything we could. and currently the washer is in its billionth cycle, washing every fabric piece of anything, with color safe bleach.

and i would be devastated that my evening was spent this way, if it weren't for that facts that a) you learn something new every day, and among other things, i learned today that color safe bleach is in fact, color safe... and b) it's all for a good cause. i want to make sure i've done everything i can to prevent anyone else from going through what i'm going through right now.

so, yeah.

i had no idea i was capable of handling this much stress.

to be honest, i'm not even sure i am handling it. i feel more as if i'm just... here. not numb. no, i'm in too much pain to be numb. it's more like... i dunno. shock, maybe. i can't quite place my finger on it, as it's something i don't think i've ever experienced before.

and i hope i never have to experience again.

and i hope i don't have to experience too long.

and gawd, i go and talk about my new job, which deals with dogs, and now this dealing with dogs, and should i just rename my diary ``dog days`` or ``todays tails`` or something cause geesh, i'm sure everyone and their mother's brother is sick of seeing the word dog in here. but whatever, cause dogs are a huge part of my life, and i guess that's that.

*deep breath*

deep breaths aren't all they're cracked up to be. for maybe like, two seconds, i felt like i could take in air normally again. but no. once more my chest is tight and my eyes are watery and god i hate this so so much.

and i want so bad for it to be sunday. or monday. and for us to be bringing a happy, healed, healthy madison home to cater to and feed bland puppy food and boiled chicken and applesauce.

rob asked me earlier today, ``why her, why us?`` ... we take such good care of our dogs, you'd think the fates would have to be pure evil and on crack to do this to us. and it occurred to me... maybe because i'm in such a state of mind right now that i'm not thinking too clearly (but then isn't that when the most beauitful thoughts happen?)... but i thought maybe this happened to us because we CAN take care of here. we ARE. and so many people wouldn't, or couldn't. but we are, and can, and maybe THAT'S why? maybe i'm a sap too. but maybe this all happened for some wacky reason, who knows why, but maybe it happened because we were meant to help her?

ah, i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i'll probably look back on this and think ``gee jen, you must have gone off the deep end and been blitzed to have written all that jibberish``... but no, i won't think that because i'll know exactly what i was doing on this day forever and ever because wow, i can't believe how affected i am by this. and rob too. and we must be going crazy.

i called the vet before `closing` tonight, and they said our madison baby was doing alright. alert, with her head up and eyes wandering. they said she even barked up a storm when we left. is it naive to think that maybe, even after only two and a half days with us, she missed us?

they told us she'd probably be worse tomorrow. that whole ``you have to get worse before you can get better`` deal. i hope it's not too bad. if it's not too bad, the chances that she'll make it home by next week are good. very good.

i miss her. rob misses her. we think chocolate does too. and buster. she and buster played; she really liked buster, chased him everywhere.

i'll be calling again at 8:30 in the morning to check her status. and probably again at noon, if i can hold out that long. and then at closing.

and i'm getting my car steam cleaned tomorrow.

and i just want her to be okay. she will be okay. she has to be okay.

any thoughts? (0)����������������