so yesterday ranks right up there as one of the worst days of my entire life.

and today hasn't been much better.

yesterday our new great dane puppy, madison, became ill and we couldn't get her to eat.

today we found out she has parvo.

as in, ohmygodnonotthatpleaseno, parvo. as in, doggie virus that eats away the stomach lining, causing bloody diarrhea, loss of appetite, vomiting, dehydration... and often death.

it kills me to say this, because i'm dying on the inside knowing the pain she's in, but it's almost easier to know what it is she has, then to have to guess at it.

it's still really f'n hard tho. to know your new puppy, who in less than two days managed to steal your heart, is now in danger of dying.

i haven't cried this much since my poppie died.

and i know i probably sound all doomsday about this. but that's because being optimistic is so scary. i want so badly to believe the vet when she tells me that her chances are great because we caught it so early. i want so badly to believe that since no dog has died of parvo under the care of this vet (*knock on wood*), madisons' case will be no different. ... but then i see her lying there, all bones, and dehydrated. and so young. and i think of the stress of coming to a new home, and having parvo on top of all of that, and now the stress that goes with being at the vets and away from your new family, and god. it seems so risky to smile and say ``she's going to be okay!`` and then, and then... i want to kick myself for not believing 100% that everything will be fine. i yell at myself and think, ``you'll be the one to blame you know, if she doesn't make it... because you didn't believe in it 100%`` and shit. i DO believe she'll be better. i WANT nothing more. there's nothing i wouldn't give right now to just know that she'll live and recover and be okay. cause shit, i don't have the $200+ a night for treatment and hospital stay (which could last up to a week), but i'm figuring out a way to get it. even if it means that my entire paycheck goes to madison. even if it means i have to sell shit and go without. i'm not hungry anyway. ... i want that little girl to live.

she's so full of life, i just want to her have the chance to live it...

and god, i'm so scared. i hate death. i'm not scared of death myself... but i'm terrified of it when it comes to those i love. and yes, even dogs. to me, my dogs are my kids. they're not like family, they ARE family. so let me just request right now, no e-mail from a-holes about madison ``just being a dog.`` i don't work that way.

i might have better health if i did, but at least i know my heart is in tact.

and yeah. i'm just... i dunno. scared, sad, devastated, confused, hopeful, fearful, optimistic, leery... what if i convince myself that everything will be a-okay, and then it isn't? shit, i shouldn't even be thinking this crap.

but i need to prepare myself for the worst, right?

prepare for the worst, expect the best. ... easier said than done, my friends. easier said than done.

any thoughts? (0)����������������